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[06 Jun 2010|01:28am] |
I kind of find it amazing how there are so many old -- and even young -- people who are just so lodged in tradition that they fail to "go with the flow" of the contemporary generation. Apparently my grandfather sat down with my dad and told them how shocked he was that Jimmy sleeps over here now, which is a late observation since we've been dating short of eleven months. "You should make them get married," he allegedly said. This stems from his generalization -- and assumption, which would be right -- that since we're having premarital sex, it'd sort of "legitimize" our intimate relationship in the eyes of the church.
I'm pretty glad that my parents aren't so deeply rooted in religion in such a way. Sure, my mom is pretty religious; my dad is agnostic. Both of them, while they had been married for about seventeen years before, have already had "unconventional" relationships in the eyes of the church. In other words, the values that my grandfather upholds has not really rubbed off on my mom (or many of his children, for that matter). Though she is a very spiritual person in terms of religion, she does not make her whole life, her everyday routines revolve around her religious values.
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[04 Jun 2010|08:54pm] |
I don't know why, but lately I haven't been very confident with my own thoughts and words. I'm so afraid of speaking out or lending my opinions that my mind has become accustomed to just shutting down when I'm asked a question that involves these things. It goes completely blank and it's as though I become mute. It's even hard to force myself to talk, and when I do, I reveal things in fragments that often get misconstrued by people because obviously they're not in my head and can't fit these puzzle pieces together, thus finding out what I really want to say.
Jimmy suggests that I keep a journal and whenever I come across a thought that I seemingly can't approach, write it down and try to figure out in depth the meaning it has for me; he even gave me a notebook. But it seems that I'm afraid to even do that, because I don't know if that thought is right or wrong, and I don't want to be wrong.
I'd rather be silent than wrong. I don't know what to do about this mindset that I have.
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[27 Mar 2010|10:56pm] |
Me: "Eugh, I can't think about hot dogs or sausages when I eat them. I can't bare to think what body parts I'm eating."
Jimmy: "Oh, hush. Look at what else you eat."
Me: "I know, but I like you! And I wouldn't eat your arm!"
>.>
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[27 Mar 2010|02:54am] |
"You get your period next week?"
"Huh? Oh, um... Yeah."
I'm impressed. My boyfriend takes note of my menstrual cycle more attentively than I do. lmao.
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[25 Mar 2010|02:48pm] |
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I don't understand how you can have a miscarriage and then chalk it up to the plans God has for you.
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[14 Mar 2010|10:15am] |
Nyaaah. XD *mush*
Six more days 'til he comes home from Greece. :) :D He's getting me a rock from Olympia right now!
Speaking of going to foreign countries, I'll be going to Mexico (Palenque, to be exact) in January to explore ancient Mayan ruins! And receive three credits for it! I'm pretty excited.
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| Kinda went crazy in a portion of my op-ed essay, lmao |
[01 Mar 2010|07:51pm] |
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While I for the most part have been against marriage, I recall a day when my friend sent me a link to a website that sold wedding dresses. At first, I wasn’t really interested, but after glancing more thoroughly through the pages and the dress designs, I was completed enamored. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I started bookmarking styles that I found to be both pretty and affordable -- as if these dresses would still be available to me the day I would get married. In that moment, I forgot any reservations I had about marriage in general. I forgot about the injustices behind all of the divorces filed between my parents, my aunts and uncles. It was as if I was in a trance, imagining how swell a day would be where mostly everything revolved around my “wants” and “needs” -- from the color of selected flowers to the style of music that would be played. Now that I think about it, readying for a traditional marriage is a lot like preparing for a movie in the works. You buy props, you write lines, you choose actors that play specific roles, and you even rehearse. It really is a dream come true, if you’re willing to go bankrupt to do it.
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[26 Jan 2010|09:53pm] |
It's bothering me that I'm worrying about selfish things like school.
.
It is a huge possibility that my mother is getting laid off from work in six to eight weeks.
Saint Vincent's Hospital in New York is filing for bankruptcy for its second time in two years. They are $10 mil a month in debt from medical malpractice alone. They used to house thousands of beds... And now they're down to 250.
The government is wary about helping them because to their standards, the hospital hasn't been doing too good, competition-wise. Albany is already approaching their eighth cut in hospital funding.
I can't even imagine how hard it is to find a job right now.
And there goes health insurance.
It never fully hit me how so many things can be connected until now.
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[23 Jan 2010|08:23pm] |
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Why does preparing for a presentation give me a panic attack? :(
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[21 Jan 2010|02:52pm] |
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Preparing for co-op interviews! I talked to my adviser today about working for an adoption agency. I'll either be working in New York or someplace in Jersey City. Kinda nervous...
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[18 Jan 2010|02:57pm] |
So many things to do. :(
-Drop off textbooks at the post office.
-Possibly drive Jimmy back to school.
-Check on my school textbook status and see when I can pick them up.
-Pick up books.
-Possibly bring the car to school so I don't have to lug them around; check with Mike how long the parking meter runs on Montgomery and somehow acquire how many quarters.
-Physical therapy Friday afternoon; find out what times I'm free because I have to attend tri-weekly.
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[16 Jan 2010|09:46pm] |
Worked five exhausting days in a row (I had to file lots and lots of papers that smelled like diesel because they spent most of their time on tugboats), paid some of my credit card balance, put some school books on Amazon Marketplace, ordered a new plant (called a mimosa pudica, also known as a TickleMe Plant whose leaves close upon contact; it can be found in tropical areas and has also come to be found in Texas and other mild weathered states), ordered my school books...
What an expensive month.
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[09 Jan 2010|02:00pm] |
Got my mom an Eee PC for her birthday. =) I wanted to get her one with Linux because ever since getting a Macbook, I've been uber anti-Windows heh but unfortunately they didn't have them in stock. It's alright, though, because my mom is more used to Windows, anyway.
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The days in the life of Erica have been and still are very busy... My mom had same day surgery on Thursday because she started her period and it was excessively heavy. She ended up going to the ER because she was feeling light-headed from the loss of blood. She had a D&C, which is a procedure in which they dilate the cervix in order to get to the uterus and scrape and drain out the excess blood. My mom was worried that they'd give her a transfusion because she lost so much, but that wasn't the case. I went to the hospital around four and waited for her to arrive in the recovery room. Every staff member I came across was very ready and happy to help me, as I was both distressed and confused by the layout of the hospital. She hadn't eaten at all before the surgery otherwise she would've had to wait longer, so they fed her about a half hour after and then she was released. I took her home and then I went to Bayonne to bowl with Jimmy and my cousin Adam and his girlfriend and a couple of their friends. I've been so worried about my mom and my period is here, too, so that makes me emotional girl. Jimmy caught me crying in my sleep on Friday and he was very supportive. I came home today and got my mom some steak because she needs some iron. Maybe I'll make something with spinach, too.
I'll be staying in Bayonne Monday through Friday because I was employed by Jimmy's Aunt Cindi to file invoices and such for their transportation company. They own a couple and do mergings with tugboats and other tugboat companies. I'll be working ten to five everyday so that I can afford those God damn school textbooks... And hopefully if I have money left I can get my mom a Net Book as a belated birthday present. I might just order it with my credit card and then pay it off once I get paid.
Professor Gutsch has already scheduled a field trip for our Astro-Archaeology class and has requested the aid of his students for transportation since the campus vans are in use that day so I volunteered myself. I'm really excited about this class.
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[28 Dec 2009|12:03pm] |
Thankfully, the Pilgers did not eat me alive. However, they did make Jimmy a prank egg nog which only consisted of rancid buttermilk and me being naive, I took a sip. Even though my tummy felt funny for the rest of the evening, it was pretty hilarious watching them jokingly yelling at him for feeding it to his girlfriend. They also made him dress up in tight spandex pants and his uncle in a Christmas-themed teddy... Apparently this happens every year. It was morbidly funny.
I'm going to be really busy next year. I'm taking six classes and I'm planning on starting my co-op in the summer. I already emailed Dr. Surrey about what places I should consider but he's out of the country until January 3rd. My grades for the fall semester have been kind of less than satisfactory... At least to my standards, but I admit I got pretty lazy. I was doing a bunch of core classes and they don't really catch my attention much. But next semester I'm starting my major's courses and I'm also taking an Intro to Women's Studies course. Lots of reading for spring. Christ.
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[24 Dec 2009|11:31pm] |
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Meeting the Pilgers tomorrow. AHH. They're gonna eat me alive.
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| ee cummings |
[11 Dec 2009|12:12am] |
“supposing i dreamed this)
only imagine,when day has thrilled
you are a house around which
i am a wind-
your walls will not reckon how
strangely my life is curved
since the best he can do
is to peer through windows,unobserved
-listen,for(out of all
things)dream is noone’s fool;
if this wind who i am prowls
carefully around this house of you
love being such,or such,
the normal corners of your heart
will never guess how much
my wonderful jealousy is dark
if light should flower:
or laughing sparkle from
the shut house(around and around
which a poor wind will roam”
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[12 Nov 2009|08:33pm] |
Update on life 'cause I haven't blogged in a while.
School's school... I've been getting kinda lazy though because I hate my core classes. I've had a cough since Halloween and it sucks but it's been slowly getting better recently. My mom is sick and the doctors are treating it as swine flu. I don't think it is because I've been near her all the time and I got my flu shot and I haven't caught anything yet. *knocks on wood* But lately doctors have been treating everything as swine flu because 95% of people who've come into their offices have been diagnosed with it, or so they say... Jimmy's been really busy with a school production that I'm watching tomorrow. I really miss him. We're planning on getting some Baklava whenever he has free time, but I'm not sure when that will be. I'm just looking forward to Thanksgiving because we're planning on *trying* to make a pumpkin pie, lol. It might be disastrous but being in the kitchen with him has always been fun. That, and I think some of my family members are gonna make it here from Canada for my grandfather's birthday. Jimmy probably won't be able to meet them 'cause he always goes to Hackettstown to visit his family on Thanksgiving, but it's alright. That just gives us more time to do things (like meet family) if we even last that long. =P
Speaking of Jimmy, his mother has been talking to me a lot more now. I'm not sure if it's because I hardly know her but she seems nice even though Jimmy considers her a nightmare lol. She is a pretty intimidating (and commanding!) Italian lady, though. She always calls me a good girl in her emails and tells me to look after her "baby boy" because he needs it, and give her updates on him because he hardly talks to her... Oh boy hahaha I really don't want to be the messenger between them.
I'm planning on visiting the school psychotherapist because I kinda miss going to sessions... But my schedule is always full and clashes with my old psychotherapist so I haven't gone to her in months. My first session is tomorrow at 1. Kind of nervous to start over again, but my friend goes to her for her own personal issues and she said she's really nice, so that makes me feel tons better.
I really can't wait for this semester to be over because I'm excited about the classes I'll be taking next semester. Eighteen credits, fuuuck... But it should be fun.
Ugggh, really craving that Baklava, though!
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[04 Nov 2009|08:18pm] |
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I accidentally robotripped. Fuck.
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[01 Nov 2009|09:42pm] |
Everybody at school's getting sick. Including me. =( Darn flu season.
Jimmy got really drunk on Friday and I ended up taking care of him late into Saturday. He was puking and passing out in my bathroom and I had to get my parents up to drag him into my room while he cursed them out for moving him. Some first impression lmao. He was extremely disappointed with himself and embarrassed and kept looking at me and banging his head on the toilet. I tried my best to comfort him and I told him I wasn't disappointed, just concerned. At one point he burst into tears and kept giving me this kicked puppy look that killed me every time. I didn't have time to get upset or freaked out until seven in the morning when I woke up and thought about what happened. I ended up sleeping on the floor because Jimmy took up the whole bed, plus I was kind of concerned he'd puke on me. I tried to stay up as long as I could just in case he threw up again. I didn't want him choking on his own vomit. I ended up crying on his chest because I was so frustrated with the entire night, which eventually woke him up. I felt bad and he felt bad. The entire night he was telling me to yell at him for being so stupid. I couldn't because I was too worried to. The following day, he told me he was glad that I'm not overbearing. I wouldn't yell at him for something he knew that he did wrong. If he recognizes the fault, I accept it and move on. And he did, and I did, and it was really refreshing after that.
Guess it's kinda a double edged sword to know the bartender heh. He started giving him free double shots at some point but Jimmy didn't even notice.
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